God Almighty has weighed in on Stephen Hawking’s new book, The Grand Design, in which the world-famous physicist claims there is no need for a god in order to explain the existence of the universe.
“The truth is, there is no need for the existence of Stephen Hawking,” said Yahweh. “Creation doesn’t need explaining. I did it. I was there. It’s this Hawking guy I can’t believe is for real. I mean, what are the chances of evolution producing a mind that could figure all that out? Get real.”
When asked for evidence of his claim of being the author of existence, Jehovah insisted that it’s easy to credit him with the creation of the universe—if you have faith. “All you have to do is believe me. Read Genesis and just roll with it. I don’t see how I can make it any simpler. You can buy it wholesale. You don’t even have to think. How great is that?”
Confronted with Hawking’s claim that the Laws of Nature were sufficient to create the universe, without miracles, the Lord of Lords offered an alternative explanation. “Look. Divine intervention is exciting, but it’s exhausting. It requires my complete attention, and a lot of creativity. You think ideas like global floods or ten plagues just grow on trees? Then there are the unintended consequences; you never know how people will react to a miracle. It’s all very ad hoc. But the laws of nature are predictable; you know what’s going to happen. I only had to make them up once, let the universe go, and everything came from that. It was a cinch. It took me what…a week?”
Asked if this reliance on natural law made a case against his own existence, the Ancient of Days appeared to breathe hot against the idea. “Listen, Hawking is trying to put me out of business so his science guys can run rampant through the universe explaining everything. What does that say to the kids? He’s falling back on logic, reason and evidence to make his case—what a wuss. Anybody can do that. Try making the plants grow before the sun, the moon and the stars existed, Mr. Smartypants. [Genesis 1:11] I’ll bet science can’t do that. You’ve got to have industrial-strength faith to live in a universe where that works. Why hassle with empirical proofs when a simple miracle will suffice?”
Finally, when asked about those who relied upon faith to explain existence, but faith in a different religion, the Heavenly Father bristled. “You don’t want to go there. Seriously.” He then ended the interview.